Gone... with the wind.

Today, Someone dear to me had pass away~

He watched me grow...from a 1 day old baby, to the 23 yr old today.

I watched him grow... from grey hair eventually to white.

I remember that just last Chinese New year... He was playing with my darling girl Kiki... feeding her "Bao" ....His toothless smile grinning merrily with eyes close...so  adorable. He looked happy.

I remember him smoking at the voiddeck with his friends... Always smiling when we greeted him.

Though conversation was jus polite greetings,

Though we are not as close as I would love it to be,

Though we only see each other every 2-3 months,

He is still someone close to me.

simply because... Blood is always thicker than water.

I woke up in the morning... And was shocked to hear the devastating news.

but... everyone will die one day. Tat's life.

Nothing to be surprised.

It's jus that he chose to go .... on Father's day.

It's jus the way he choose to go... with the wind.

It's jus the amount of courage that he must had muster up before it happened.

It's jus that life had been good to him in his golden years.

It's jus that he had so much to live for.

It's jus that we thought he was happy.... contented.

It's jus that we dun understand why.

It was sudden. much too sudden.

It was quick. much too quick.

It was scary. much too scary.

Just last week , we could still hear his voice asking us to buy food for him.

And today. tomoro. The day after. we can never see him again . nor hear him again .

The reality that he chose to go this way suck.

Death jus feels so final.

His timeline has stop.

An eternal full stop.

No chance for regrets.

No chance for sorry.

No chance to do things better.

It has ended.

How can he leave... jus like that.

I feel that it is so selfish.

And I can't help but feel sorry for him too...

He must have been miserable. depressed. unhappy. lonely. hurt.

But how would the loved ones he left behind feel?

What had they done wrong to deserve this?

Where had they gone wrong?

We thought we had done everything right.

But we were wrong.

The fact that this is an selfish act remained.

Somehow... I feel so bothered.

In the recent weeks... months...

I had ever thought of ending life prematurely too.

Dun be too shocked.

I am not as perfect as u think I am.

I can't help but feel that I am a living dead.

I can't help but feel lost. so lost in this big big world.

I can't help but feel afraid of all the big boys and big girls out there.

I can't help but feel that I can't catch up .

I can't help but feel unhappy.so unhappy.

I can't help but feel that I had no purpose in life.

I can't help but feel there is no reason for life.

I can't help but feel afraid to live.

I can't help but feel afraid to be hurt.

I can't help but feel afraid to love. except for my girl Kiki and my family.

I can't help but feel so tired. too early.

I can't help but feel so drained.

In my glamourous world.

In my high flying world.

In my glitzy world.

In my beautiful world.

Everything seems so perfect. All too perfect.

ALL TOO PERFECT.

It's falling apart.

In this "perfect" world of mine,

I have become weaker.

I am losing myself.

In fact, nobody is really interested in who you are.

They only want you to be who they want you to be.

Nobody cares.

I can't help but feel so tired of being that perfect girl. your perfect girl.

But I am afraid.

I am afraid of losing it all .

In my world.

Happiness is short lived.

superficial in fact.

I know it all too well.

But short lived happiness is better than nothing.

At least it helps me get through another day.

In my world.

I have to be good.

Because if I am not... I dun deserve it all.

and I will lose it all.

I am so drained... from holding this fort.

But I can't relax.

Cuz it will collapse.

It's either ALL. or nothing.

I've seen it happen. all too many times.

when have I become this person.

when have things become like that.

Happiness seems so far.

Happiness seems so out of reach.

Happiness seems to only come from the things I buy.

Happiness seems to only derive from the way I look.

Happiness seems to only come from being approved of.

SUPERFICIAL.all too superficial.

It is a superficial world. It's reality girl.

I've seen it all too often . It's true.

These days true happiness is when I look at my baby girl Kiki.

These days true happiness is when I am with my family.

I am not as superficial as I wanna be.

I wanna be carefree. happy.

But... How can I?

tell me ... How can I?

when the world is judging you?

The will say. You are stupid. STUPID. for giving it up.

Too smart for her own good.

How can I?

when I have tasted all the sweetness of the fruits.

Will I be able to go back and live simply?

Yes. I am a living dead.

waiting for my time.

bidding for my time.

praying for salvation.

so... when I hear about him this morning...

I admire his courage.

I envy that this is the end of the journey.

but I have no courage. no courage at all to go.

Because I am scared. a coward.

and I love my family too much to hurt them like that.

but...

Maybe... jus maybe someday I will. :)

In the meanwhile... every Father's day, You will be remembered always. :)

Always in my heart,
Alicia